Off Balance & A Little Lost
There's something that's been playing on my mind for the past few weeks, I know for a fact that until I get my thoughts down on paper, it will continue to block my writing. I've been quiet not only on here but on social media too. Five days ago I tweeted
"When I see changes in my life & myself, I struggle to write and connect with the world on social media until I fully understand the changes"
That was the last time I tweeted. What's caused the big shift? I've been asking myself Who I am? What is my blog? Why do I blog? What's it's purpose? How does it help people? Could it ever support me financially? I don't know.
This is where my problem lies, I don't know the answer to these questions. For the past year my blog has had a huge focus on living a plant based lifestyle whilst eating a small amount of fish and eggs for vitmain B12 and iron. Last week I made the decision to add meat back into my diet once - twice a week as my hormones and skin have really been suffering. It's something I need to be careful with and find the correct balance. The more animal protein in my diet, the more the tumours in my body grow but the better my skin and hormones get. Less animal protein literally equals tumours disapearing however my face quickly becomes covered in painful acne that feels like tiny papercuts all over my face with little relief. I know that this probably sounds really superficial to some but it really is so painful and I believe breakouts, once past the teen years, are usually due to an underlying cause in the body - something isn't quite right somewhere.
I'm currently trying to find a happy medium, our bodies are constantly changing and whilst my ego desperately wants to hold onto the notion that I follow a plant based diet, I know that I also need to listen to my body and to what it now needs. Yet, I feel a little like a fraud. I feel like I'm pretending to be something I'm not with the plant based recipes on here even though my diet is predomanatly plant based with absolutely no dairy or refined white sugar - they both cause me to vomit terribly.
My diet is a big part of who I am, and I suppose whilst experimenting with adding a small quantity of meat here and there I feel unsure. Unsure if this will continue or if I will have to return to cutting meat out completely. And scared. I'm scared the tumours will grow back rapidly, scared of what people will say. "Oh look, we knew it wouldn't last, she's not a vegan anymore." I feel like I have to explain myself for the way I eat, I've always felt that way and that's not okay. No one should ever have to feel that way or feel like they need to justify their way of living.
This blog is my online journal, I fill it with stories and photos that I never want to forget, recipes that have worked and that I'd like to keep for future meals and snacks. I create videos to document my life in order to capture special moments forever on film.
Who am I?
I'm a late twenty something who is fed up of labels. I'm not just one thing, I'm many things and if at some point in the future I can create the impossible and support myself financially through writing, and photographing, videoing, imagining, playing and sharing, if I can do those things for a living, I'd be pretty bloody happy.
I'm the crazy cat lady who is open to trying pretty much anything, who loves experimenting with food and has an unsatiable need to help anyone and everyone. If nothing else, I hope that those who are reading this post who are a little lost and off balance feel a little reassurance. I've heard it's pretty normal, I've also heard it passes.
We don't need to know the how to create the impossible. We just have to envision the end goal in order to manifest it. The rest, will sort itself out.