Returning To Facebook

Facebook and I broke up two years ago, we'd had many a disagreement and I felt like I was wasting my time whenever we got together. I was constantly distracted and became obsessed with amusing it with funny anecdotes on my status and pretty imagery - my life to Facebook looked a dream yet it was far from the reality. Facebook believed I had 189 friends, many of which probably wouldn't have much more than a polite hello to say to me if we came face to face in the street. To Facebook I was popular, funny, dazzling and had the most hilarious of stories to tell. All Facebook gave me in return was envy, rants, glimpses of "perfect" lives and plenty of self doubt.

On a breezy April evening I ended the relationship and sent a text message to my close pals letting them know that they could contact me via whatsapp if they needed me. I never looked back, I felt free, content and had more time on my hands when I wasn't aimlessly facebook stalking my ex's neighbour's uncle's girlfriend's dog scrolling the wall of judgement. And then I broke my phone. I was left no option but to restore my faithful iPhone 4s to factory settings and lose ALL of my contacts. I joked that I'd see who my real friends were by who got in touch, but unfortunately there were a few numbers I really needed. After a week or two of wondering how on earth I was going to get the numbers of people living in different countries, who for some god forsaken reason didn't understand the absolute joy and wonderment of Instagram, it hit me. I'd have to return to Facebook. This is how it went down...

  1. Oh! I remembered my password, surprising. (Surprising if you don't use the same password for EVERYTHING Peta...really surprising)
  2. This is quite nice, I've missed you actually. Hello Facebook you wonderful long lost friend you! Wow you kept all of my...well everything?!
  3. *BING* Facebook Message: "You're back! Where have you been?! I haven't spoken to you in YEARS!" Aww that's nice! A long lost friend...
  4. Facebook: "Please update your profile". goes nothing.
  5. Oh god, why did I leave Facebook whilst still in a relationship, I need to clean this mess up.
  6. -Changes profile picture from the cheesy couple shot to a sassy single cat lady selfie.-
  7. -Changes status to single- #SadFace
  8. *Bing* Facebook Message: "Hello there stranger! What have you been up to? Settled down yet?" oh dear, here we go.
  9. *Bing* Facebook Message: "Hello You! Long time no speak. How's things?! What's new in your world? Found yourself a handsome young man?" Wait I have to find someone? Should I be looking?! Where do I look?!
  10. Start to realise why I left Facebook in the first place.
  11. -Scrolls through feed- Oh look! ***** got married.
  12. Oh, ***** is pregnant, that's nice...
  13. Oh look, he got married AND had a kid. Not that it matters of course, because you know I'm living the single cat lady dream right now.
  14. *Bing* Facebook Message: "Yo! I haven't spoken to you in aggggges. What have you been doing with yourself? I want all the goss!" Oh jesus, what do I say? I now have four cats?! God I live a crazy life I really do.
  15. -Continues to scroll through feed - Ohhh pretty pics of foreign lands, oh and more! Hang on how did they even afford that trip around the whole world? Wait... they did it twice?!
  16. Oh look there's ***** still posting ranty posts. I wonder who this one is aimed at?
  17. *Bing* Facebook Message: Hello Miss! What have you been up to?
  19. Facebook: "What's on your mind Peta?" Errrm, I'm staring at the screen facebook, wondering where I went wrong with life, that my friend, is what is on my mind right now.
  20. *Bing* Facebook Message from bestest friend ever: "Heads up you might wanna check your photos out, there's a whole lot of Ex photos you may want to strategically sort through..."
  21. Omg. I can't do this, I can't, I just can't. *Closes browser and lies on floor because that's the place to be when things get a tad overwhelming.

And that is how a mature, sensible, nearly level 26 human deals with life. She closes the browser and lies on the floor looking at the ceiling for a while.